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Does Your Kid Stink? Personal Hygiene and Our Neurodiverse Kids
By Carol S. Siege, PCC
Founder, Family Pathways Coaching, LLC
“No one tells you that a big part of parenting is convincing your child that soap is not optional. It’s like they think bathing is a philosophical position.” Too bad we all know many a true word is spoken in jest!
While there may be a universal wish among parents of all teens that they improve their personal hygiene, parents of neurodiverse children can have a particularly challenging time getting their kids to maintain acceptable levels of cleanliness. Psychologists generally agree these behaviors – or lack thereof – are not the result of laziness or defiance, but rather challenges in executive functioning, sensory processing, and self-regulation skills.
And yet, for parents who can literally smell when their children arrive home, personal hygiene can be a real problem. So how to address these issues without shaming our children? How can we help them learn to adopt to social norms and care for their bodies without ignoring the very real challenges that get in their way?
- Start with Understanding
Executive Functioning – The struggle to master organization, time management, and impulse control is real for neurodivergent people. A simple shower requires multiple steps that can be lost when executive functioning skills are lacking. First you must know you need a shower, then stop what you are doing, gather items required, and finally follow the sequence itself – lather, rinse, repeat.
Sensory Processing – Many neurodivergent people can be physically uncomfortable cleaning their bodies. The feel of the water hitting the skin, a strong smelling soap, toothbrush bristles on the gums – all of these sensations can be irritating. Your kids may be avoiding getting clean as self-protection from unpleasant sensory input.
Self-Regulation – When personal hygiene habits are not yet automatic, they require mental effort and self-regulation. Our kids need to learn the routine, remember the steps, and then execute the task. While these jobs may seem simple, our kids may be overloaded by the end of the day. They also may be developmentally delayed, not yet capable of retaining the information necessary to maintain these regimens.
- Conversation Without Shaming
Calm & Connected – Conversations with our kids, especially about potentially embarrassing topics like personal hygiene, start with trust and only happen when both parent and child are relaxed, rested, and willing to talk. Start by listening to your child. Acknowledge any struggles your child mentions, even if you don’t agree with them. You can understand wanting to finish watching a show even if you don’t agree with it.
Neutral Language – Talk to your child without judgement or shaming. Consider your word choice, use a neutral tone of voice,
and de-personalize the issue. Rather than telling your child their breath stinks, try: “Your breath smells a little strong right now, let’s do a quick refresh.” It’s the breath that’s the problem, not the child; the odor exists now, not always; and here’s an easy fix.
Collaborative Solutions – While there are certainly times for parental decisions, we want to teach our kids life skills for the long-haul. Collaboration means listening to their suggestions as much as offering your own. It means working together with your child to find solutions that work for both of you and can become healthy forever habits.
- Getting Clean
Prioritize – Resist the urge to tackle everything at once! We can’t expect our kids to immediately start showering regularly, brushing their teeth, using deodorant, doing the laundry, and washing. We need to begin with one clear task and build from there. That can mean choosing the most significant issue first or starting with the easiest for a fast win.
Understand the Barriers – What is getting in the way of your child’s success? Is it a timing issue? Are they forgetting? Does the shampoo have too strong a scent? Get curious and, together with your child, figure out where the problem lies. Once you have an idea of what’s causing the problem, try experimenting with different solutions. And remember, patience is a virtue! You may try multiple fixes before you find a lasting solution.
Scaffold and then Fade Away – Start with reminders to brush teeth or run a load of laundry. Create a (laminated!) list of what to wash in the shower, set a timer to know when to get in and out of the bath, establish a reliable and pleasant routine. And know when to disengage and give your child time to succeed. Consistency and patience yield the best rewards, and ultimately your child will need to be in charge.
If you or someone you know is struggling with a child who can’t seem to remember to brush their teeth or use the soap, reach out! As a Certified Professional Coach supporting parents of neurodiverse children I can help you see life really can be so much better.
