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Staying Calm in the Face of Frustration
By Carol S. Siege, PCC
Founder, Family Pathways Coaching, LLC
We have all been there. We have all lost our cool at some time or another. Maybe Mary Poppins doesn’t get flustered, but for the rest of us, parenting – and especially parenting neurodiverse kids – can be frustrating, distressing, even downright infuriating at times.
So what do we do when our kids have pushed our very last button? How do we stay calm and parent our kids with confidence and clarity? As with most skills, it takes practice and patience – for ourselves as much as for our kids. Read on for tips for retaining your composure so you can model appropriate behavior for your kids and help them develop skills they will need at home, at school, and beyond.
- Why Does Staying Calm Matter?
If you have ever tried to reason with your child while they’re out of control, you know that is never a winning strategy. It’s like trying to teach someone to swim while they’re drowning: First you must help them breathe, and then you can teach them the strokes. And yet, sometimes parents forget that no learning happens during a tantrum. Thinking and reasoning happen in the brain’s prefrontal cortex; during a crisis, however, this part of the brain switches off, the amygdala turns on… and the fight, flight, or freeze response commences. If we want our kids to learn to regulate their emotional responses, if we want them to learn to act with intention and rational thought, we need to help them see the value of staying calm.
- “Be the Change You Wish to See in the World” (Mahatma Ghandi)
Your child landed on Boardwalk with hotels; there were no more chocolate cupcakes when the dessert plate reached them; their sibling teased them or pushed them or broke their favorite toy. There are a myriad scenarios that can send a child reeling. And yet, as the parent, our job is to help them understand their emotions, regain control, and respond reasonably. We can’t do that if we have also resorted to yelling or useless threats. Just as we want our children to develop impulse control, we must also learn to stay calm during distress. Try different techniques, like deep breathing, counting to ten, or lowering your voice to a gentle (not menacing!) whisper. Explain to your child what you’re doing and that we all lose our temper sometimes. The key is recognizing triggers, taking steps to reduce the stress, and learning to respond rather than react.
- Parent from Reality, Not from Expectation
Yes, we know, every child is unique. And yet, sometimes parents harbor unrealistic expectations. Maybe peers are maturing quicker than our neurodiverse child. Maybe we want our child to follow in our footsteps as an athlete, an artist, or a student. We may be disappointed or confused when they don’t share our sensibilities or talents, and we may create pressure they can’t handle. Consider instead who your child is, where they are at this moment in time, and what they are capable of right now. Skills building may not happen on your – or your family’s or your friend’s -- timeline. Appreciate your child’s current abilities and give them time to grow into their potential. Experiencing a particularly rough patch? A trick ADHD coach and author Cindy Goldrich recommends in her book 8 Keys to Parenting Kids & Teens with ADHD: “Surround yourself with photos of your child that make your smile.” Remember to give your child and yourself time and space to learn to do better.
- Help Your Child Find Calm
First, remember learning happens best when both parent and child are relaxed and rested. Consider triggers that may lead to meltdowns, like a classmate who annoys or a game that’s hard to master. Develop a plan to address these situations. If the chaos and noisiness of birthday parties distresses your child, skip the party and plan a separate outing with the birthday friend. Practice what it’s like going to the dentist or the doctor’s office. While avoidance can increase anxiety and sometimes isn’t possible -- like acclimating to a new classroom -- there are times when it’s okay to not participate. Not every child needs to play on the soccer team or pet their neighbor’s dog. When tantrums happen, have a plan for that too. Collaborate with your child to create a list of calming activities. From stickers, bubbles, or Play-Doh for young children to journals, meditation apps, or music for teens, help your child understand their emotions and know they are capable of calming themselves.
If you or someone you know is struggling to help your neurodiverse child find calm, reach out. As a certified professional coach supporting parents of neurodiverse children, I can help you see life really can be so much better.
