“I’m only as happy as my least happy child.” I have heard parents recite this phrase for decades. I know why they say it, I know the pain that elicits this reaction, and I still push back on it every time.

I have nursed my sons’ emotional wounds. I have absorbed their expletive-laden tantrums. I have watched from the sidelines as their sweetness, their quirkiness, their individuality, and their challenges have been thrown violently against them. I know how awful it is for a parent to carry their child’s frustration, fear, or anger; and yet, it is crucial – for ourselves and for our children -- that we not devolve into our own emotional tailspins.

Parents Care Deeply

It is not wrong for parents to feel their children’s pain, to want to fix their child’s distress; rather, it is a natural instinct for parents. They scoop their little ones up and cradle them with care when they fall down and scrape their knee. Maybe they call another parent if their child is not being treated nicely by others at school or in the neighborhood. These reactions are natural, expected, and protective feelings that come with the emotional attachment most parents feel for their children. With neurodivergent children, where the pain can often feel urgent and consuming, a parent can feel even more duress as they watch their child’s daily struggles.

Help Them with Their Feelings

“Your child doesn’t need you to feel their feelings. They need you to help them with their feelings,” says Clinical Psychologist Becky Kennedy, PhD (Dr. Becky), author of Good Inside and host of Good Inside with Dr. Becky. This principle is called “co-regulation”, described by the Child Mind Institute as a foundational tool that helps “a child learn how to regulate their own emotions by showing empathy and modeling calmness.” We can care deeply without becoming emotionally dysregulated when our children are upset. The key is to validate our child’s feelings without absorbing their pain. So if your child falls into an anxious tizzy, worrying about whether they passed their math test, made the soccer team, or got the lead in the play, the best thing a parent can do is validate the emotion – fear, worry, hurt – and respond with calm and caring support.

Specifically for Neurodiverse Kids

For a neurodiverse child, life can be a constant feed of executive function, social/ emotional, and sensory stressors. The key for parents: Do not meltdown alongside your child. If a parent mimics their child’s distress, that parent can end up in chronic dysregulation – not a place where they can be useful to their