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Changed Expectations Can Still Be Great Expectations
By Carol S. Siege, PCC
Founder, Family Pathways Coaching, LLC
A few weeks ago we had the distinct pleasure of watching our 28-year-old son receive his master’s degree diploma, mugging happily for the university’s Jumbotron and giving a thumbs up and wide grin as he walked across the stage to shake hands and accept his conferment.
This moment was a big one – for him and for my husband and me – and I shed a few tears of pride as I thought of his long journey. Our son was diagnosed with Asperger’s at age four (later modified to Autism Spectrum Disorder, or ASD, when the former term was removed from the DSM). He entered kindergarten a year later than his peers, he moved around a bit in efforts to find schools and learning communities that best fit his needs, and he changed career paths after college graduation. None of that deterred him. He is not just a smart young man, he is willing to do the hard work required to understand what initially may elude him, and he recognizes that to achieve our goals we must build and then follow a path that takes us there.
For parents whose young children are diagnosed with any kind of neurological difference, there may be fears about the future. What can I expect for my child, and what can I expect from my child? It is natural for parents to have expectations for their children, and when we hear from a specialist that our child’s brain is wired differently than neurotypical brains, we may worry about what that means for them … and for us. A parent whose glory days were fulfilled as team captain may struggle with a child who doesn’t like team sports. A high achieving parent who always made the honor roll may not understand why their child with learning differences can’t perform in school. And a parent who is the perennial social butterfly may be frustrated by a child who is sensory avoidant.
So how can parents deal with what might feel like a disconnect with your child, as well as fears about the future that awaits? The answer lies in parenting the child you have.
We start by recognizing our child’s individuality. Parents can get to know their children by working to understand what makes them happy, excited, motivated, and accepting that those preferences may not match up with their own. When we are able to see what makes our kids tick, we can begin to appreciate them for their own selves. A parent may not care about rocks, but if their child is fascinated by them -- collecting them by the handful or
selecting them with discernment -- that parent can come to admire their child’s passion. Perhaps that parent may let their child teach them about rocks or learn on their own. The key is connecting with your child through their interests. Play chess, follow team stats, visit the zoo or the museum of natural history.
If our child’s preoccupations are unique, that doesn’t mean we can’t introduce them to our own hobbies. We just may need to do that in ways that align with their sensibilities. A parent may be a big sports fan, but loud crowds may dysregulate their child. Try watching the games at home rather than at the stadium, introducing the team in a variety of ways that may catch their attention, from football jerseys to half time treats. Try reading a book together on a subject that intrigues you. And for those parents who are sad to miss child-centric traditions like birthday parties, you can always host a birthday party for your child with two or three friends or trusted adults. That boisterous birthday celebration with 20 kids running around the backyard isn’t for everyone!
The final piece is encouraging the gifts your child has or wishes to develop, asking “How is my child intelligent” rather than, “Is my child intelligent?” The famous dancer Dame Gillian Lynne, who choreographed “Cats” and “The Phantom of the Opera,” is a great example of someone whose gifts were hidden until an astute therapist recognized she needed movement to think. Your child may be artistic not numerical, cerebral not social. Watch them, enjoy them, pay attention to what brings them joy so they can blossom based on the way they process the world and not the way someone else does.
My son has not yet reached his final destination (do any of us ever?). While he may still be on the road, he is traveling with intention and direction, and I couldn’t be prouder.
