Special needs

By the time my youngest child was in preschool, it was evident he was struggling to recognize letters and link sounds to words. Two of his older brothers had already been diagnosed with learning differences, so the red flags were clear to me: Letters had no meaning to him and no amount of time with flashcards were making them any more identifiable. By elementary school, even though he could articulate thoughts and make connections verbally, reading and writing continued to elude him. By age 6 he was formally diagnosed with dyslexia, along with ADHD, and began working with specialists to learn to read and write. It was a long journey, but today he is a huge fan of fantasy fiction, with books stacked across his room. If you are worried about your child’s academic performance, read on for some typical signs to look for in LD students.

Raising four sons, I have been through a lot of “first days of school” — 68, if you can imagine that. For my neurodiverse kids, transition can be especially challenging, which meant the first Tuesday after Labor Day carried particular weight in our home. All those new beginnings have brought with them some important learning moments. The most important lesson, one that rang true every single year: “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” It may sound intense, but Benjamin Franklin was a wizard of wisdom.

When my boys were young, we were lucky to enjoy family vacations, creating memories that have grown with us over the years. And yet, vacationing with our neurodiverse kids took planning and thoughtful deliberation. We needed to consider our boys’ emotional comfort as much as any desire for new adventures, exotic locales, or squeezing every minute out of our itineraries. It took some time, but we found great ways to maximize the fun and minimize the anxiety. Read on for suggestions that may help as you plan a late summer getaway of your own.

Sometimes parenting is smooth sailing. We wipe away tears and offer words of wisdom that ring true and provide comfort when our kids are struggling. We laugh together and share moments of joy that become part of family lore. And sometimes, parenthood is a rocky path filled with potholes and pit traps. We head down one trail with the best intentions and find that we have gone wildly astray, lost in our own wilderness, unsure of which way to turn and how to get back on solid footing.

As young adults, my sons are navigating so many turning points: higher education, career paths, relationships. And simultaneously they are learning to live independently: laundry, meal prep, car appointments, and perhaps even rent payments. When the sun is shining and they have a good day, a good week, a good year, we celebrate and try to capture the moment, hold onto the ease and joy. When the clouds hover, though, a parent’s whole life can be affected.

Every parent knows the adage “Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.” Some may agree, while others believe the saying trivializes the challenges our little ones may present. What’s clear, though, is that when our kids enter young adulthood, we cannot force them to do anything. We can suggest, advise, encourage. But we cannot require our young adult children to eat healthy foods, turn off the screens, write a thank you letter after a job interview. When our young adult children are neurodiverse, the issues families face can feel more potent. That’s why I am developing workshops to support parents whose neurodiverse young adult children are struggling.

Comedian Ray Romano has a great quote about rearing a family: "Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up." If that quote expresses the unpredictability, chaos, and general craziness of a house full of typical kids, raising neurodiverse kids ups the ante 10-fold. Whether our kids struggle with mental health issues, emotional challenges, or cognitive delays, learning to recognize their triggers, anticipate their demands, and advocate for their rights – all while juggling other family and work priorities, as well as our own needs – can be downright overwhelming.

Here’s a primer for what parents of neurodiverse kids should not do: • Don’t tell your kids with learning differences they’re lazy. • Don’t tell your ADHD kids to just sit still. • Don’t tell your anxious kids to suck it up. • And under no circumstances should you expect your neurodiverse kids of any kind to act like everyone else.

Raise your hand if you have struggled with self-doubt as a parent? How about as the parent of a neurodiverse child? I see you! I have been there, and I know what it feels like to wonder and worry if we are saying the right things, teaching lessons in the best way, focusing on the highest values, skills, and truths.