Self-Care: Why It Matters
April 1, 2025
April: Autism Awareness
April 22, 2025
Finding Patience… When It’s Just So Hard
By Carol S. Siege, PCC
Founder, Family Pathways Coaching, LLC
I’m a patient person by nature. I don’t mind repeating myself, the incessant patter of noisy kids doesn’t bother me, and I am willing to put less-important goals on the backburner while I focus on more pressing needs. But let’s be real, sometimes our kids’ actions can test the very best of us.
I can’t be the only one who has lost her temper and turned a parenting moment upside down. Once, at the end of my son’s gymnastics class, he made such a racket about leaving that I just walked away from him, brought his newborn brother out to the car and buckled him in his car seat before going back to retrieve his now hysterical brother. Nope, the instructors and other parents did not put me at the top of their parenting list that day.
I have gotten unreasonably angry when my kids have refused to take their antibiotics, drink their milk, and allow me to walk gracefully in public without one of them popping up under my dress.
Sigh. It happens. We are human! And sometimes humans are tired, cranky, or just annoyed.
Yes it is true, as Roman playwright Plautus once said, “Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.” And yet, sometimes patience eludes us. It is crucial at these times to offer ourselves grace, to prompt ourselves, and as I repeatedly remind my sons: We can only do the best we can do. That said, we ought to look for ways to relieve the pressures of parenting, and in particular raising neurodiverse children who often present challenges beyond the norm. Through no fault of their own, our neurodiverse children cannot always control those aggravating behaviors that can hit us in exactly the wrong way when we are otherwise taxed. Consider the impulsive child whose act-before-I-think conduct leads them to throw hard objects at soft humans. Or the extremely sensitive child who screeches at that ear-splitting decibel when something offends their own senses. Or perhaps the anxious child who won’t leave your side outside the house, even to allow you to enter the bathroom on your own.
So, what to do when our kids have pulled on our last nerve?
- Stop Talking! When the temperature rises, the worst thing parents can do is to keep talking, especially for neurodiverse children. Even if we are trying to be supportive, instructional, or parental, our kids can’t hear us when they are in a state of anxiety, hysteria, or intense anger. Our words become noise that just amplifies the commotion and aggravates the situation. Wait for a quiet time when everyone has calmed down to address the issue.
- Give Them a Break. Yes, you may feel like you want to slam the door and lock yourself in your bedroom; but if your child is having a tantrum, they probably need a quiet space to calm down. The classic time-out gives a child, who is likely already overstimulated, time and space to soothe their nerves and de-escalate. Having a familiar, comforting, and safe space for a time-out is crucial.
- Address the Behavior … Later. Our kids need us to parent, which means teaching them when their behavior is unacceptable. Our neurodiverse kids may struggle to control their emotions, their language, or their behaviors, but they can learn to do better, even if it takes many tries, sometimes many years. These important lessons, however, need to happen at a time and in a way when our kids are open to learning, and also when we are capable of teaching, rather than punishing.
- Model How to Apologize. Yup, you lost your temper. You yelled, you were irrational, you were scary. It’s okay to be imperfect. The key, though, is that when we don’t get it right, we own up to it. We say we’re sorry, we acknowledge that sometimes we make mistakes, and we find ways to do better the next time. That apology teaches our children that when they make a mistake -- when they experience their own outburst -- they know they are not fatally flawed. And they know what they have to do about it: They need to come back later, when everyone is calmer, and they need to say, “I’m sorry. I’ll do better next time.”
- Doing Better Next Time: Just as we work with our kids to help them learn to keep improving, we also need to consider what caused our own emotions to erupt. Are we overtired or in need of support? Do we have feelings or past experiences that are going unaddressed? Consider working with a coach, who can help uncover the obstacles that get in the way of reaching our goals. When we are moving forward, our kids can do so, as well.
