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Am I Good Enough?
By Carol S. Siege, PCC
Founder, Family Pathways Coaching, LLC
Raise your hand if you have struggled with self-doubt as a parent? How about as the parent of a neurodiverse child? I see you! I have been there, and I know what it feels like to wonder and worry if we are saying the right things, teaching lessons in the best way, focusing on the highest values, skills, and truths.
Parenting can be hard enough, but when we are comparing our neurodiverse children with others who interact with the world more easily – communicating their needs and desires, building friendships, following the rules – we can be extra hard on ourselves, and sometimes our children, as well.
Last summer, former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued an advisory about the rising stress today’s parents are facing. The report noted financial strain, time demands, concerns about children's health and safety, isolation, the impact of social media, and cultural pressures as reasons for increasing stress. Add to these issues the weight parents carry when raising neurodiverse children, and it’s understandable why parents of children with ADHD, anxiety, learning differences, autism and similar conditions might feel even more pressure.
Some of today’s most respected professionals working with parents of neurodiverse children discuss the guilt parents often feel. See below for some of their powerful advice:
From Dr. Sharon Saline’s What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew
“When you’re constantly trying to manage everything alone, it’s easy to feel like you’re failing. But parenting a child with ADHD is not about perfection – it’s about progress, patience and perspective.” In other words, parents should remember that rearing a child who may be impulsive, inattentive, and described as a whirling dervish can get tired, frustrated, or even angry (yes! It happens to the best of us!). But parenting isn’t about getting everything right every time. It’s about searching for what works best for each child, even if it’s one small step at a time.
From Dr. Ross W. Greene’s The Explosive Child
“Kids do well if they can. If they can’t, we adults need to figure out what’s getting in their way so we can help.”For those of us who are raising children who fly into rages, constantly argue, and refuse to follow rules, life can feel like walking on eggshells. On the other hand, there may be the tendency to institute tough love. Perhaps we believe we are not
being good parents if we don’t come down hard on our children when they act defiantly. But when our kids are acting out, it’s usually because there is some inner struggle they are dealing with, even if they can’t articulate the source of their duress. When we are tempted to respond in anger, instead offer empathy. And then work together to determine what is going wrong and how to proceed.
From Dr. Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson’s The Whole-Brain Child
“As parents, we try to be perfect. But we don’t need to be perfect. We just need to be present and aware so we can repair ruptures when they occur.” Parents are human, and when we expect ourselves to be flawless, we put undue stress on ourselves and also on our children. Let your kids see your efforts to always strive to be better, and also how to behave when we don’t make the right choice, when we don’t say the correct things, and when we don’t understand what to do next. Our kids will be in these situations, too, and they need to know it’s okay when they make mistakes. And then what to do next.
Working with a professional coach is all about figuring out how to keep moving forward. It’s not about being handed a specific roadmap – there’s never just one way to progress. It’s not about following any one person’s exact path – your family and your life are unique. And it’s not about heeding the advice of well-meaning friends and family – their agenda may vary from your values and intentions.
When you hire a professional coach, you work with a nonjudgemental partner to develop specific goals and understand why those aims are important to you. And then it’s about putting a plan into place to achieve those objectives. When we are challenged by obstacles – Why do I lose my patience? How do I get my child to listen to me? What am I doing wrong? – it’s about understanding where those emotions come from and then how to move past them. When we understand ourselves better, we can let go of the self-blame and ultimately parent better. And so often that’s the ultimate goal.
