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Handling the Hurdles of Parenthood
By Carol S. Siege, PCC
Founder, Family Pathways Coaching, LLC
Sometimes parenting is smooth sailing. We wipe away tears and offer words of wisdom that ring true and provide comfort when our kids are struggling. We laugh together and share moments of joy that become part of family lore.
And sometimes, parenthood is a rocky path filled with potholes and pit traps. We head down one trail with the best intentions and find that we have gone wildly astray, lost in our own wilderness, unsure of which way to turn and how to get back on solid footing.
Rarely is there one solution for all problems, even when those difficulties seem similar on the surface. I hear from many families whose adult children are unable to launch into independent adulthood. Some have trouble holding a job, others can’t even start the search. Many thrive with the predictability found in the classroom, where they are directed to a time and place and given specific goals. Others push back against the confines of a set schedule and feel overwhelmed by requirements set by someone else.
I have experienced these kinds of challenges with my own sons over the years. Life is messy, and there are so many bumps and bruises we all suffer along the way. Within the neurodiverse community, it can be especially hard to recover from these pains. Many neurodiverse people are particularly sensitive or have been traumatized from earlier failures; others have chemical imbalances that can make steps that seem so simple to the average parent appear as giant chasms to cross.
I cannot say I have unpuzzled the neurodiverse brain, nor that I have offered help to my sons that has always been helpful. And yet, there are some lessons I have learned that may prove useful if your children are caught in their own mires.
- Validate First
I have found the first thing my sons need as they navigate tough times is validation that they are seen, their troubles are understandable, and I have confidence in their ability to ultimately succeed. Candidly, though, I do not always get this step right. It’s hard not to start offering solutions and suggestions immediately. And sometimes it feels like a disservice to our kids if we don’t point out what seems like the elephant in the room, the obvious mistakes we think our kids are making. And yet, it’s important to recognize that there will be time to strategize and discuss better ways to address a problem … it’s just not the first thing on the list.
- Ask Questions
Sometimes our kids concoct wild ideas. When my oldest son was a small child, he had a great plan to chop down a tree from our backyard, carve it out, and build his own submarine. Ambitious sure, funny of course. But no one, especially not a wide-eyed child, wants to hear why his plan is doomed. Rather than pointing out the reasons why a concept won’t work, my sons say they would rather I ask questions. “What do you like about that particular job?” “What’s your plan for getting out of bed in time for class, work, daily exercise?” “How are you going to address whatever issue got in your way last time?” The key is asking honest questions and listening to the answers. Our kids may be able to justify their thinking; sometimes a minor tweak can help that plan prove successful. At the very least, we can understand their thought process or they can realize there are still questions to answer.
3. Challenge Assumptions
Of course, there are times when our kids’ perspective is skewed or they’re due for a good, old-fashioned reframing. It’s important to be able to challenge the assumptions that are getting in their way, but it requires trust first. If we haven’t listened to our kids, if they do not feel respected, our opinions will feel less like thoughtful inquiry and more like criticism. And as with all discussions that include push-back, how we say something is always more important than what we say. Telling our kids their boss was right, they are combative or slow or sloppy is vastly different than suggesting a reframe: “Is it possible you need to learn to finish your work faster or keep your station tidier?”
4. Collaborate with Your Child
As young adults, our children need to know they have agency over their lives, even when they still need assistance. Working collaboratively with your child helps them develop the skills they will need to live independent lives. Depending on a child’s abilities, parents can begin making decisions with their children – instead of for their children – at an early age. Our kids must learn natural consequences that come with bad choices, as well as how to deal with the errors we all make occasionally. We also develop self-confidence when we get it right, and even when we fix a mistake. When our young adult children are struggling to act, they need to know how to work in partnership, how to consider different options, talk them through, and come to sound conclusions together with their best advocates – hopefully, their parents.
5. Get Support
Sometimes our kids need to hear different voices or get advice from someone who is not emotionally invested in their decisions. Therapists are trained to untangle complicated thought patterns, and medical doctors can provide pharmaceuticals to alleviate depressive, obsessive, or overwhelming notions. Turning to professionals for support is not a sign of weakness or incompetence; it is instead an opportunity to create a team that can work cooperatively to help our kids move forward in their lives.
And just as we should not expect our kids to get every decision right every time, we parents must give ourselves grace when we don’t get it right. They key for all of us – parents and children – is to learn to admit when we are mistaken, work together to make improvements, and forgive each other for our very human flaws.
