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Trauma With a Lower Case "t"
By Carol S. Siege, PCC
Founder, Family Pathways Coaching, LLC
When my boys were younger, our local school district spent time and money on programs about bullying – cyber and IRL – and how parents could support their children who were victims of bullying. We heard from psychologists, school administrators, and other child professionals. There was much conversation about how to help our kids if they were being bullied (“Stand up for yourself!” “Just ignore it!”), but these panels and conversations did not address a possible result of bullying: trauma. And they didn’t address how bullying and other types of trauma can affect the neurodiverse population in particular.
For the purposes of this article, I am distinguishing between two types of trauma. Trauma with a capital “T” is the result of significant abuse, natural disasters, death, and other universally disturbing threats. Trauma with a lower case “t” comes from smaller scale but persistent painful interactions and sensory assaults. Certainly, there can be overlap between the two, and trauma can affect people differently. Bullying, for example, can be an annoyance to one person and an untenable affront to someone else.
Those who identify as neurodiverse, including anyone who processes and interacts with the world differently than the majority, can develop trauma over years of being misunderstood, teased, or made to feel different or less-than. Trauma can be the result of constant sensory overload, as well as repeatedly having to hide one’s quirks, emotions, and sensitivities. No matter how the trauma is experienced, its existence can affect one’s behavior and if misunderstood can exacerbate other challenges that come with being neurodiverse.
Think of this: Your child is dyslexic, which means the way they take in, put out, and process information is different from other learners. Dyslexia does not affect one’s intellectual abilities, so while they may be fully capable of understanding complex ideas, they may not be able to read fluently. If they stumble reading aloud in class, maybe they are teased, feel embarrassed, or judged.
Another scenario: Your autistic child is overwhelmed by too much sensory input, which means loud noises, bustling and crowded spaces can leave them feeling exhausted and embattled. On the playground, as others are happily running and laughing, they may be looking for a place to hide. While classmates giggle and squeal when a chair scrapes the ground, the highly sensitive child may feel physical pain at the high-pitched noise. An onlooker might not see a problem, but to the neurodiverse child these examples of sensory overload can be onerous, especially if they happen repeatedly and the child is either laughed at or – sometimes worse – ignored.
How can we help our neurodiverse children who are traumatized in these ways, constantly feeling they aren’t as good as others, they aren’t accepted by others, something is wrong with them?
First, as parents we need to accept our children for who they are, not who we want them to be. Yes, we love our children, and we also must recognize that they are individuals who have their own way of being in the world, which may differ from the vision we have for them.
Next, we must distinguish between what our children have the power to change and what is out of their control. Asking our children to manipulate their physical bodies and cognitive minds can be like asking a penguin to fly. You might think they can do it if they really try, and yet, that’s just not how they’re built.
Finally, we can help our children appreciate their gifts and work to meet their own potential. We all have gifts, and we can all improve in various ways. Maybe your dyslexic son struggles to understand modern poetry, but he can grasp the essence of a math equation like others understand a Shakespearean sonnet. Helping our children recognize and value their own talents gives them more confidence to face their challenges. Maybe a screech will always be agony for the autistic child, but perhaps they can learn to calm their nerves afterward. They may never want to join a game of touch football, but they might like bringing crayons and paper outside.
We can’t take away all of the challenges our neurodiverse children encounter, sometimes daily, but we can recognize that these repeated difficulties can compound and cause trauma. We can help reduce the load by letting our children know they are not alone, and their discomfort and fears are not unfounded. We can empathize with the challenges they face rather than trivialize them, and we can respect them when they take steps forward.
If you’re a parent struggling to understand your child or feel like your life is in chaos as you travel the path raising a neurodiverse child, reach out! Because you are not alone either, and life really can be so much better.
