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How ADHD Affects Self Esteem
By Carol S. Siege, PCC
Founder, Family Pathways Coaching, LLC
When one of my sons was very young and just starting school, he struggled … a lot. As a playful and friendly elementary school boy with ADHD and dyslexia, he couldn’t get the knack of sitting at a desk and reading quietly. Even harder than the constant classroom reprimand and redirection was the image he had of his brothers, who all seemed successful where he struggled. One night, he asked me tearily if perhaps he was adopted. He couldn’t possibly be related to the smart, disciplined boys he admired so reverently.
Of course I let him in on the secret to their so-called success: There was no all-encompassing ability. They also struggled with executive functioning challenges, learning differences, trouble staying put and keeping their mouths shut. All four of my sons have ADHD and other neurodivergent conditions, and yet, for my son at the time, it seemed like he was the only one who couldn’t get things right.
ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) doesn’t cause low self-esteem, and yet it can be a significant obstacle for our neurodivergent children to overcome, the result of lived experience and negative responses to their innate differences.
According to acclaimed ADHD researcher and author Dr. Ned Hallowell, ADHD doesn’t cause our kids to feel bad about themselves; rather, because our ADHD kids are misunderstood and over-corrected so frequently, they come to believe something is fundamentally wrong with them. As noted in his 1994 book Driven to Distraction, Dr. Hallowell writes,“Because they so often fail to meet expectations, children with ADD grow up feeling dumb, lazy, or crazy.”
What does suffering from low self-esteem look like in our ADHD kids?
Clinical psychiatrist Dr. William Dodson, a leading voice in understanding the emotional impact of ADHD, a child’s wounded self-esteem usually shows itself indirectly. Avoidance, self-deprecating humor, perfectionism, and explosive responses to feedback are all examples of how our kids may be telling us they don’t feel good about themselves.
Dr. Dodson’s overall message to parents: ADHD kids feel failure more intensely than typical kids. Years of perceived criticism, misunderstanding, and frustration (both their own and from parents and teachers) ultimately erodes self-esteem. Our kids may respond by refusing to try for fear of failing or, the other extreme, to accept anything less than perfection. They may call themselves stupid before someone else can or overreact when corrected.
If you’re concerned your child is suffering from low self-esteem, there are ways to support them. One crucial philosophy, as developed by researcher and psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck, is helping our kids move away from the idea of a fixed mindset to one
of a growth mindset. In her 2006 book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, her message is that learning necessarily includes struggle. When our kids fail, it doesn’t mean they are incapable of learning, but instead that they have not yet found the right strategy for success.
How can parents support kids who are suffering?
Drs. Hallowell, Dodson, and Dweck each have their own recipe to support our neurodivergent kids, and yet they all focus on the same principle: The messages we send to our kids matter. We need to separate situational struggles from the person. That is, we must convey to our kids that needing to learn skills does not equate to being a bad person.
Parents can start by naming ADHD and executive functioning deficits that often accompany the diagnosis. The condition causes challenges, not the person, and there are also gifts that come with ADHD. Yes, people with ADHD can struggle to maintain their focus, especially on boring tasks; but ADHD can also lead to hyper-focus, when our kids can delve deeply into a topic or work for hours without pause.
Our kids need to hear it’s the process of learning that matters more than the outcome. We want our kids to take pride in persistence, resilience, and a willingness to try different strategies when the first ones don’t work. Of course it feels great to see our kids succeed, and yet they should also know we are proud of them for getting extra classroom help, for re-writing a mediocre essay, or raising a grade – even from a D to a C -- after studying hard.
We can’t control how our kids experience the world, but we can help them see how ADHD affects them and expresses itself. We can encourage them to be proud of who they are.
If you or someone you care about struggles with these issues, consider reaching out to me to learn more about how coaching can help. As a certified professional coach with an expertise in supporting parents of neurodiverse children, I can help you see life really can be so much better. Get in touch today!
