What’s the Big I.D.E.A.?
March 25, 2025
Finding Patience… When It’s Just So Hard
April 8, 2025
Self-Care: Why It Matters
By Carol S. Siege, PCC
Founder, Family Pathways Coaching, LLC
When my boys were young, life was hectic. I mean up-in-the-middle-of-the-night, temper-tantrum, when-do-I-get-to-shower? kind of hectic. With four young boys, all falling under the neurodiverse umbrella, I was overtired, overwhelmed and over-extended. But I had some non-negotiables: I found time almost every day to exercise and spend time outdoors – for me, I knew I needed these things to stay mentally fit. I walked instead of driving to appointments that were close by, I used my lunch hour to fit in a run, and I took my boys on “adventure walks” on vacation days.
My desire to stay active and feel the sun on my face isn’t for everyone, but the need to prioritize particular activities that help us stay whole when we are caring for others is universal.
Caring for young children is always challenging, and when our children struggle with the realities of ADHD, anxiety, autism, or other neurodiverse diagnoses, the difficulties are magnified. We need to pay attention to triggers that can set off unexpected outbursts, prepare our children for transitions, and decipher nonverbal messages when our kids can’t articulate their thoughts and feelings. We are constantly on the lookout for dangers – true physical hazards, as well as emotional perils. And we may be hypersensitive to how the world views us as parents and our children for their sometimes quirky or alarming behavior.
Parents of school-age neurodiverse children have a lot on their plates, from dealing with classroom teachers and school administrators to coordinating therapists, doctors, and tutors outside the classroom. And then there is the social component – how to help our children navigate the world of family, friends, and strangers?
When faced with these extra parenting duties, caregivers must find ways to attend to their own essentials as they care for their children. Caregiver burnout is real, and when we are exhausted by the demands of our wonderful but needy neurodiverse children, parents may assume their wishes must be relegated to the bottom of the list. And yes, when we do that, the result can be less effective, less patient parenting.
So how to find time for ourselves when it feels impossible to squeeze another item onto our already packed calendars?
- What Makes You Tick? Start by figuring out what energizes you. Extroverts get their energy from relationships, so don’t lose touch with the people in your life who give you love and make you laugh. Conversely, introverts are revived by time alone, so quiet time with a good book, a warm bath, or other solo activities are essential. For me, instead of exhausting me, physical activity energizes me.
- How to Find Time? It’s all well and good to know a long soak with an engaging book will soothe away the day, but what to do when the kids are figuratively (or literally!) banging on the door? Getting creative with our time and knowing ourselves is crucial. It might mean rising an hour early or going to bed an hour later. Consider hiring a sitter, trading hours with a friend, or leaning on a family member. When they were each young enough, my boys took their morning naps in the stroller so I could get fresh air. Even if I left the house feeling tired, I returned recharged.
- Remember, This Too Shall Pass! When we are going through these challenging times, it’s helpful to remember the most chaotic times are usually not forever. Children eventually go to school or day programs. When my boys were young I likened them to puppies, and puppies eventually calm down. Some of my boys were “runners”, meaning they inexplicably and without warning would dart off sometimes. Once it happened at Disney World, often it happened when my youngest learned to open doors. And yet, maturity arrives, even if it comes belatedly.
- AIM SMART! The business acronym SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound) works in coaching too. As a coach, I help my clients develop strategies to move forward even when they feel overburdened by the complications that come with raising neurodiverse children. We work together to establish goals based on what is most important and also what is attainable. We address the obstacles that arise and keep us from achieving our desired results. Sometimes coaching looks like strategizing, other times it’s about listening. Always it's about recognizing our truest aspirations, understanding what’s getting in the way of meeting our own expectations, and moving forward.
So, the next time you are feeling swamped by the responsibilities and real-world experience of raising a neurodiverse child, take a moment to reflect on whether you need to also recognize your own needs. It may be hard to imagine stepping away from those you care for to spend time and energy on yourself, and yet that may be the best way to show up as your strongest self.
