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A Mother's Day Message
By Carol S. Siege, PCC
Founder, Family Pathways Coaching, LLC
Ah, Mother’s Day! Breakfast in bed, summer basil planted in the garden, peace and good will among all siblings… well, maybe.
Mother’s Day invokes so many memories: my son’s delicious spinach mushroom omelet; the manicure kit my oldest son coordinated to buy with his brothers, pooling together their savings; the bracelet my youngest picked out and paid for all on his own; and the handmade book my son made so he and his brothers could write messages to me over the years. I honestly get teary recounting these acts of love.
And yet, motherhood for those of us raising neurodiverse children can be a different – and often difficult – path to travel. In appreciation of Sunday’s upcoming holiday, I offer these thoughts on raising our very special children.
- Understanding our children’s love language. Remember the scenes in the animated film The Incredibles, when Violet and Dash hug their mom after they’ve survived some scary challenges? Those hugs are priceless! And yet, sometimes our neurodiverse children don’t show affection in these ways. We need to learn to decode what love looks like for some of our children. Acts of service – they clear their plate after dinner or hold the door for you – may seem trivial but are loving gestures. Showing common interests, sharing something they love with you, or even following certain rituals can all be expressions of love. For some, it could be just wanting to be near you.
- Finding acceptance for the things we can’t change. Like so many other toddler parents, we had a refrain in our house when the boys were young: “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.” Sometimes that’s a refrain we parents need to remind ourselves of, too, though it can be hard when the dreams we had for our children look so different from reality. And yet, that’s the thing about life, we don’t always get to choose how things go. Acceptance is about recognizing the truth of a situation. It means seeing our children for who they are, as opposed to who we want them to be, and it also means identifying and appreciating their unique gifts.
- Widening the aperture. When we define success in very narrow terms, life can feel like a tightrope walk. What we wish for our children, whether they grow up typical or outside the norm, may not be what is actually right for them. From the stereotypical child who decides they will not follow in their parent’s professional footsteps, to the neurotypical child whose milestones don’t match up with siblings or cousins or
classmates – children are individuals who sometimes choose to take another path and sometimes are required to find their own way. Regardless, as their parents it’s our job to help keep the lens open so both we and our children can see possibilities.
- Honing our skills. Whenever we start on a new journey, there are challenges to address. We develop new talents and sometimes uncover expertise we never knew we had. We also struggle and make mistakes and miss great big giant glaring alarm bells; and yet, the key is not to reach perfection, in parenting or in life, but rather to adjust to our surroundings, move forward in our efforts, and keep getting up after we’ve been knocked down. Hopefully, we are guided by experts, supported by community, and learn by doing. Progress, not perfection.
- I was meant to mother this child / these children. The other day, a good friend looked at me with intense conviction and said about her daughter, “I was meant to be her mother.” Through all of the challenges, disruptions, angst, and agony, no one else could have mothered her daughter the way she had. It didn’t mean she always got it right, nor that there weren’t uncertainties, and even heartache. And yet, sometimes we feel instinctively that there is a reason for the circumstances of our lives. We have a purpose. We are the ones meant to travel this path with our children, to steer them when necessary, follow their leads at times, and simply be their mother.
Happy Mother’s Day to all my fellow moms of quirky, demanding, lovable neurodiverse kids!
