Trauma With a Lower Case “t”
February 25, 2025
Thriving in High School & Beyond
By Carol S. Siege, PCC
Founder, Family Pathways Coaching, LLC
When our kids are young, it is easy to -- even expected -- that we structure their lives from breakfast to bedtime. As they grow, however, we are meant to release the reins so our children can learn to make their own choices and live with their decisions – good and bad. But what happens when our children are on a different developmental timeline?
Very often our neurodiverse children mature more slowly than their neurotypical peers, and parents struggle to know how and when to loosen their grip. As parents, though, it is essential to enable our children, especially as they become high schoolers, to take chances and determine their own paths.
See below for tips on how, when, and why to help your neurodivergent children foster independence and resilience.
- Setting Goals
Take time to sit with your young teen to talk about their future goals. Does your child want to attend college and live in a dorm? What will they be responsible for that will be new to them: renewing prescription medications, weekend meal planning, laundry? Everyone goes through ups and downs, and being able to recover from setbacks is crucial, whether it’s after a breakup or a bad grade. Your child needs to know how to care for themself, as well as when to seek outside help.
- Where Are the Holes?
Consider where your child needs more support today. It could be with classroom instruction, strengthening executive functioning skills, emotional challenges, or self-care. Start building those muscles now and also setting up scaffolding where necessary. The key is having strategies in place before leaving home. Some skills can be learned over time, like preparing easy meals, and some require assistance, like tutoring. While many colleges provide services for students with disabilities, your child must be their own advocate, understanding their challenges and who to talk to if they need help.
- Dividing Responsibilities
As our children enter high school, it is critical they begin taking on more and greater responsibilities while they still have a strong safety net at home. If your child is not yet ready to lead the planning, be sure they are part of the process and responsible for their own follow-through. As parents, we can still be available to establish structure and offer assistance, especially for those who require extra help. And don’t forget to lean on your school, which remains responsible for supporting your child and providing appropriate instruction based on need.
- Prioritizing
As we begin envisioning an independent future for our kids, we may have multiple aims, from the simple (waking up on time) to the more complex (scheduling after school help or managing a sports schedule). If you’re not sure where to begin, start by discussing with your child what motivates them. Consider using the “Be Do Have” mindset, which focuses on who we want to be first, which then informs what we need to do, and finally allows us to have what we are seeking. Listen to your kids and also share your own priorities so everyone is clear about agreed-upon goals.
- Proceed & Succeed
When it’s clear what motivates your child from the perspective of who they want to be, it’s time to determine what they need to do in order to hit that target. But be clear about what obstacles might arise and make a realistic plan to address challenges. My youngest son identified most with being a good student, which meant he needed to be prepared for class and study for tests. But as a student with learning differences, he also needed academic support from the school. In the end and with hard work in and outside of the classroom, he got what he wanted: recognition as a good student and strategies for continued success.
- Moving Forward
As we relinquish control, we empower our kids to do more for themselves; and yet, there still are ways we can champion them. How we choose to reinforce our kids’ growth can vary, depending on our own assets. Are you a doer? Help your child make a plan. Are you a supplier? Help your child figure out where they can find help when they need it. Are you an influencer? Encourage your kids, support them, and help motivate them. Are you an innovator? Get creative and offer ideas.
Bottom line, even children who need more supports than the typical high schooler can reach their goals. They may need practice and strategies to create positive routines but having you beside them as cheerleader and mentor is a path to success. With every new skill learned, there is confidence to do more, grow more, and be more.
