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Failure to Launch: Young Adults Who Struggle
By Carol S. Siege, PCC
Founder, Family Pathways Coaching, LLC
I speak with friends, acquaintances, and clients frequently about how painful it is to watch their 20-something children flounder post high school or college. These young adults are capable of living independently but they don’t; they are intelligent but can’t hold a job. Parents wonder and worry if they have enabled this behavior, if their child is lazy or unwilling to work. And most importantly, how they can support their child in a healthy way.
- A Changing World
Although it’s easy to look at our grown kids and think they are not trying hard enough, that they are unwilling to take the risks required of independent adulthood, or that they just can’t tolerate the discomfort, the truth is that the world really has shifted. It’s less than 20 years since the iPhone was introduced in 2007, and the ensuing two decades have wrought enormous changes that have happened faster than any other revolutionary invention. There is more freedom today, but less structure. We are living in an increasingly online world with less in-person connection. And distractions abound. These many differences make it harder for the neurodivergent person to connect with others and manage their lives successfully.
- Executive Functioning Challenges
Our ability to organize and manage our lives is reliant on well-honed executive functioning skills. They are the mental processes that help us plan, focus, remember, and regulate our behavior to achieve goals, and many neurodivergent people struggle with underdeveloped skills. As a result, they are more likely to be easily distracted, require structure, and become overwhelmed than their neurotypical peers. As a result, today’s fast-paced world can make it particularly difficult for our neurodivergent kids to keep up in the workplace and at home. They may not work fast enough for their bosses, and they may need time alone to recharge after engaging with others.
- Enabling or Supporting?
I often hear from parents – and I have struggled with this question myself – that in their efforts to be supportive, they are confused about whether they are helping or harming their adult children. How to know if their rules are too lenient or too strict? When to push and when to nurture? There is strong consensus among today’s most respected researchers and clinicians studying neurodivergence that autonomy is a core pillar in supporting our young adult children. That means, as parents, we want to discuss options without making decisions for our kids. We must offer guidance
without doing the work for our kids. And we want to collaboratively develop requirements and expectations that have natural consequences. We can be there to support our children, but critically important: They must take hold of the wheel.
- What Can Parents Do?
If your grown child is unemployed or underemployed, if they are at home avoiding the world and insisting it’s not their fault, parents can feel at a loss for what to do. How to help without driving away their child? How to teach skills or insist on effort when they worry their child’s anxiety, fears, or depression will increase? Start by establishing limits, in particular financial boundaries. Whether your adult child is living at home or independently, require that they contribute monetarily to the household. Perhaps they can pay half their rent or contribute an agreed-upon monthly amount for regular expenses. In order to become independent adults, our children will need to be able to pay for food and housing. Holding a job requires they learn to be reliable and agreeable, even if they are doing a job they don’t like, and it shows a future – possibly more desirable -- employer they’re worth hiring. If they already have a job but are still living at home, create clear and consistent expectations so they can build the skills they need to live on their own or with a roommate. Start small if necessary and build up to more sophisticated tasks. Perhaps you need to start with personal hygiene or cleanliness in their living space. Eventually, though, they will need to know how to shop for and cook a healthy meal, clean the bathroom, and register a car.
- Acceptance & Patience
There may come a time when we must adjust our own expectations and parental dreams. Our child may never be willing or able to take over the family business. They may never keep house the way we do. That said, if we are able to both support our kids and allow them autonomy, they can move forward with their lives, even if it takes longer than their siblings or peers. They may need more time to develop the skills required to succeed, and yet finding meaning and productivity in their lives will ultimately be incentive for most of our adult children to achieve their own goals.
