Family Connections: When the Ties Don’t Bind

It’s December, which means every channel is airing ads depicting families reconnecting, friends embracing, and strangers sharing joyful interaction. But what happens if our own experiences don’t match the scenes being thrown at us? What if the noise of holiday celebration is distressing to our neurodivergent children? Or the idea of parties – even among our closest people – stir up anxiety rather than pleasure?

If we approach the holiday season thoughtfully, with appreciation for our kids’ different needs, we can enjoy this time of year and help our family and friends do so, as well. Read on for tips to help prepare children of all ages, extended family, and yourselves for a season focused on patience, acceptance, and hopefully a little fun.

• Ask When You Don’t Know – Just the other day, my sister-in-law kindly asked me how to approach one of my sons – her nephew whom she loves so much – when we get together for holidays. We are an effusive family, so we do a lot of hugging. But while my other boys all reciprocate their aunt’s embrace, one of my son’s turns into a stiff piece of wood – arms at his side and his face a blank mask. I know my son cares for his relatives, but I also know he is uncomfortable with the unexpected. I suggested my sister-in-law simply ask if she can give her nephew a hug. The question will allow him time to prepare himself both physically and emotionally, and it also gives him agency over his body. It’s a sign of acceptance to allow him to choose not to be hugged, not to endure a ritual that doesn’t feel good to him. And it’s also a sign of respect that he knows what is best for him.
• Let Them Duck Out – During a recent holiday celebration, we entertained family friends we hadn’t seen since their children were very young. When they came to our home, one of their high school aged sons brought a book with him. So easy. Commotion, especially in an unfamiliar setting, makes him uneasy, so we found a plush chair in an adjacent room and left him alone. He was happy reading his book, and he wasn’t cloistered away. When it was time for dinner, he joined the group without already being exhausted trying to make small talk with people he didn’t know. Again, we show respect when we allow others to make their own choices, even if they are different from the group.
• Let them Eat Cake (Or PB&J) – Virtually every parent has had the experience of dealing with a picky eater at some time. But if you have had to deal with a child diagnosed with ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), you know food issues can be extremely disruptive and cause serious mental, emotional and physical challenges. While we have never had to deal with ARFID, one of my sons struggled with severe food-related anxiety, which eventually led to physical symptoms. While he was going through this period, food-centric celebrations became difficult to navigate. Ultimately, the answer came down to two accommodations: 1) He ate a meal before we left our home or were expecting guests; 2) He ate