Am I Good Enough?
May 20, 2025Love Them, Guide Them
By Carol S. Siege, PCC
Founder, Family Pathways Coaching, LLC
Here’s a primer for what parents of neurodiverse kids should not do:
- Don’t tell your kids with learning differences they’re lazy.
- Don’t tell your ADHD kids to just sit still.
- Don’t tell your anxious kids to suck it up.
- And under no circumstances should you expect your neurodiverse kids of any kind to act like everyone else.
My point is that accepting our kids – quirks and challenges and all -- doesn’t mean giving up on teaching them important life skills. It’s not one or the other: Either I accept my child exactly as they are, or I teach them how to behave appropriately in all circumstances. Instead, we can recognize that helping them develop the fundamentals of human interaction is itself an act of love. It’s also about being able to differentiate between the lessons they need to learn to get along in the world from the precepts we have relied on for our own lives.
When my sons were young and we went out to dinner, parties, or other significant events, they dressed accordingly. Sometimes that meant jacket and slacks, even for the little ones. Private schools required shirts tucked in with a belt and no jeans, as well as ties and button-down shirts. That’s what much of the business world required back in ye olden times, and those were the rules our sons were expected to follow.
And then came Silicon Valley executives, athleisure, and COVID casual.
The world has changed and so have dress codes. As ingrained as the old messages of presenting oneself as a serious candidate through our clothing are for some people, just as many see those ways of discerning quality as superficial and missing the essence of a person. While some industries still equate conservative attire with professionalism, many industries have pushed aside the need to “dress the part.” Jeans, sneakers, even T-shirts are okay in some offices.
So, fighting with our kids who are physically uncomfortable in traditional clothing may be something parents can let go.
And yet, there is another side to this story that has to do with enlightening our kids about how we interact with and show respect for those around us. Sometimes we alter the way we dress and the way we present ourselves to the world as an act of humility or deference. Even if a suit is unnecessary for all job interviews, a prospective applicant will show their desired employer courtesy by dressing up for a conversation. Sometimes we decide it’s more important to make someone else happy than it is to remain in our typical outfit. If it would make Grandma smile to see our kids dressed more to her liking, perhaps we have an opportunity to teach our kids about selecting an outfit that will bring joy to someone else, even if it is outside our comfort zone. Sometimes kindness is shown by sacrificing small comforts for others’ benefit.
As parents, we have the opportunity to be role models in how we inspire our kids. We can yell at our kids for their choices and show disdain for the clothes they like to wear, or we can consider the context and teach our kids to do the same. Why don’t they want to wear the tie or dress or plain tee that lacks all personality? Do their clothes create a sense of identity? When are the times it’s okay to dress for ourselves and when should we consider others?
Sometimes our kids’ behavior gets in the way of their growth. Sometimes it disturbs our own peace of mind. In every case, it’s important to separate the kid from the conduct. Embrace your child for who they are, with love and with care, even as you guide them toward maturity. The results will be worth the effort.
