"Is There Anybody Out There?"

By Carol S. Siege, PCC

Founder, Family Pathways Coaching, LLC

When my son was a toddler, we moved to a new community, and I joined a neighborhood playgroup. I looked forward to getting to know other parents and building friendships while my kids played with their own new friends. But while the other boys and girls were beginning to build block towers together and giggle harmoniously, my son was off to the side, totally engaged with his toy and totally unengaged by anyone else in the room. Sometimes there were tears, sometimes there were tantrums. Rarely was there easy-going play time.

The same thing happened whether we were at school, at birthday parties, or at family gatherings. Where I craved connection, my sons – ultimately all four of them -- often needed something else entirely. I never had the luxury of letting my kids play unattended, and I worried that other parents were judging my boys – and ultimately me -- for their behaviors that seemed so out of sync with all the other children.

This fact sometimes left me feeling isolated, different from parents who seemed to have children who instinctively knew how to play together and cooperate with others.

Parents of neurodiverse children often feel isolated and misunderstood, raising children who have needs that are different from their peers. Maybe it’s the impulsive ADHD child who can’t sit still on the kindergarten carpet or grabs toys out of their playmates’ hands. Maybe it’s the child with Tourette’s who has loud outbursts in the supermarket or the library. Or perhaps it’s the child whose debilitating anxiety sends them into panic mode when the school bus arrives every morning, when birthday invitations appear...or don’t.

When it feels like you’re the only one whose child can’t get childhood right, life can feel pretty lonely.

And it’s not only the discomfort of group settings. Raising a neurodiverse child can be time consuming and exhausting. Early preparation, additional needs, constant attention. You can feel like the odd-mom (or dad)-out, and you also may feel that others are always watching your child with a critical eye: What will they do next? Who will they bother next? Parents can feel robbed of their ability to socialize while their children are playing, as other parents can do, because they are always on guard for challenges and flare-ups.

So, what can the parent of a neurodiverse child do? Find community!

• Public school districts often have Special Education P.T.A. committees (SEPTA) or similar groups that specifically support the neurodiverse community.
• Some local communities host special sports programs so children of all abilities can join in the fun and get exercise, including organizations like US Youth Soccer’s TOPSoccer.
• Local public or religious social services organizations often run afterschool or weekend programs for the neurodiverse community and their families.